Intellectual Froglegs SHORT JOKE CONTEST!

WINNING JOKES WILL BE ON THE SHOW

OFFICIAL RULES

  • Put your joke in the comment section below
  • Please limit to 300 characters or less.
  • include your name as you want it listed— in case it’s used on the show.
  • No F-Bombs or other vulgarity please.
  • NO MORE THAN 3 ENTRIES PER DAY

Anything and everything posted here becomes my property—even the bad stuff!

via GIPHY

About the Author

Joe Dan Gorman
Joe Dan Gorman is the creator, host & producer of Intellectual Froglegs. Unapologetic Christian. Nominated for VIDEO BLOGGER OF THE YEAR at CPAC 2013. Former Real Estate Investment Broker until real estate collapse in 2007. Began new career in 2011 - Intellectual Froglegs is like a one-man band... and Joe Dan is that one man. Put God first and everything else will fall into place.
  • Alex Hernandez

    Q. How do liberal brain cells die?

    A. Alone

    -Alex Hernandez

  • Alex Hernandez

    Q. A liberal is going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?

    A. Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

    -Alex Hernandez

    (yeah I know these are blonde jokes but they are funnier as liberal jokes)

    • 1PatriotForever

      Hahaha – Good one

    • Nov-cubed

      Would have been better without the parenthetical. . .

  • Mr Flibble

    Q. What kind of wood doesn’t float?

    A. Natalie Wood

    • Julian C

      wooooah….

    • Broz

      I’ve lovede that one since I heard it the day after she died…someone posted a story about her dee-mise and I responded with that ‘statement’…I was told I was mean…BTW I don’t sive a good ghit!!

      • Mr Flibble

        It’s an oldie but a goodie.

      • 1PatriotForever

        Both of you are pathetic and BTW: She floated

      • Deplorable MP95B

        Where was the story posted “the day after she died”? She died 11-29-1981, not too many bulletin boards on the World-Wide-Web at that time. Don’t you just totally miss DOS?

    • 1PatriotForever

      You are a sick puppy and BTW: She Floated

      • BiffWellington

        after a few days….

        • 1PatriotForever

          Now that was funny, but you are still wrong.

    • Thin Blue line

      Not funny at all. WTF

  • lionel

    Is your dog ambidextrous like mine? Mine can lift either leg.

  • lionel

    What did the frog say as he sat on his lily pad? “Times fun when your having flies” Lionel Ducote

  • SamAnon

    (this one will immediately be shot down as racist, but it’s still funny)

    A black man walked into a bar with a frog on his head and the bartender said ‘where’d you get that?’
    and the frog said ‘in africa, there are thousands of them.’

    (you can try all day but it won’t work with any other race probably because you need a continent,
    countries don’t seem to work.)

    • Broz

      Millions, more likely…

    • White Trailer Trash

      So a Mexican walks into a bar with a Capuchin monkey on its head and the bartender asks where did you get that?
      Monkey says Mexico, there are millions of them crossing into the U.S… yep it does work with a country!

      • Renewnews

        China and India are also good candidates as subject of a version of this joke…. so… still…

    • Nov-cubed

      A Democrat walks into a bar with a cockroach on his head. . .

      • Sgt. Schultz

        That is not unusual.

      • Tom Slick

        Bartender says where did you get that? Cockroach says It started out as a wart on my ass.

  • lionel

    Drunk walked into a bar, you would have thought he would have looked.

  • Julian C

    A rapist, a pedophile and a murderer walk into a bar. bartender says, Hi, Mohammud!

  • Julian C

    Man asks his always angry, shrewish wife, What would you do it I won a lottery? She replies, take my half leave your sorry butt and find a real man! Guy says, Great, I won twelve dollars, here’s your six, now get the hell out.

    • 1PatriotForever

      Awesome!

    • grateful_deplorable

      Winner, winner chicken dinner!

  • Q Why do liberals avoid owning an elf on the shelf?
    A They have low elf-esteem

    Heather Marsten

  • Dr. Schadenfreude

    My first wife died from eating poison mushrooms.

    My second wife died because she wouldn’t eat the poison mushrooms.

    Contributed to Ray Zimmeman (deceased) USN

  • Jomama

    Did you hear about the Aggie that moved from Texas to Oklahoma and raised the I.Q. of both states?

    • Nov-cubed

      What do you call an Aggie after four years of college?

      Boss

      • Jomama

        vagrant?

  • Pammy

    Q: What’s the difference between a dead liberal in the middle of the road and a dead skunk in the middle of the road?

    A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

    Originally “liberal” was “lawyer”. =D

    • Alan Dryer

      There are swerve marks in front of the Liberal. LOL

  • Jomama

    If you say “No”…I had to develop my own punchline…”Oh, you must be from Oklahoma.”

  • John Nissen

    3 democraps walk into a bar….

  • Anthony Keep

    Two hungry termites walk in to a bar to eat lunch. One says to the other “where’s the bar tender?”

  • Linda Nitzschke

    Did you hear about the guy who died at the pie-eating contest? The cow stepped on his head!

  • Linda Nitzschke

    How do you get a one-armed lib out of a tree? Wave at him!

  • keycat

    Q. What’s brown & sticky?

    A. A stick.

  • Linda Nitzschke

    A guy comes running into a bar yelling, “All politicians are dirt bags!”
    Some guy in the back of the bar jumps up and yells, “I resent that!!”
    The first guy yells back, “Why? Are you a politician?”
    “No, I’m a dirt bag!!”

  • Anthony Keep

    Liberals Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell have rolled out a new cookbook for affirmative action gluttons entitled “The Waist Is A Terrible Thing To Mind”.

  • Posy

    Did you hear about the insomniac, atheist, dyslexic guy? He stayed up all night wondering if their really is a dog.

    • edterri7788

      Change “guy” to “flea”?

  • Arne Corneliuusen

    So a guy does a rolling stop through a stop sign. A cop pulls him over and says “you didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.” The guy says “yeah but I slowed down, whats the difference?” The cop pulls him from his car and starts beating him with a night stick, and says “now do you want me to stop or slow down?”
    -Arne Corneliusen

  • John Cunningham

    Q. Do you know how to spot a Muslim in traffic?

    A. Easy, he’s the one in the rag-top!

  • LiberalsR#1

    Al Franken can’t run in 2020 because of his harassment scandals and now Joe Biden has become a YouTube sensation with his creepy behaviour around children. It looks they’re going to run a disgraced former congressman and Obama’s former AG on the Weiner Holder ticket.

  • LiberalsR#1

    A guy’s sitting at a bar eating a big greasy burger, drinking whiskey, and smoking a cigar. Another guy sits next to him and says “If you keep eating, drinking, and smoking like that you’re not going to last very long”. The first guy says “My grandma lived to be 110.” Second guy asks “Did she drink whiskey and smoke cigars?” The first guy says “No, she minded her own business”.

    Lemmy

  • LiberalsR#1

    A guy goes to a job interview and the interviewer asks “what is your greatest weakness?” The prospect replies “Honesty”. The inverviewer says “I don’t think honesty is a weakness”. The guy replies “I don’t really give a crap what you think”.

    Lemmy

  • NoToTheMark

    Be alert. We need more LERTS.

  • NoToTheMark

    Mr. Opperknockity agrees to tune fussy Mrs. Lane’s piano for a 1-time price of $75. Two weeks later some painters moved the piano and she asks Opperknockity to tune again for free. No! Opperknockity only tunes once. – LJ Cambria

  • fuzzi

    A cow, a pig, and a goat walk into a bar.

    The bartender looks at them and says, “What, is this some kind of a joke?”

    ~
    (yes, that’s it. You either get the joke or you don’t)

  • edterri7788

    I went to a zoo recently.
    It was not much of a zoo.
    They had just one animal. A dog.
    Yeah, it was a Shih Tzu.

    • BiffWellington

      I groan in your general direction….

  • PAWatcher

    What’s orange and like a parrot?

    a carrot.

  • grateful_deplorable

    An old southern, slow talkin’ truck driver answers an ad in the paper for an OTR position. He goes in to meet with the supervisor. The supervisor knows they need drivers bad so he cuts off the entire interview and says:
    Supervisor: “Look, if you can pass your certification test the job is yours.”
    Driver: “Well, if I pass the test, what time do you want me and Leroy to start?”
    Supervisor: “Leroy? Who the hell is Leroy?”
    Driver: “Leroy’s my swamper. We’ve seen it all. Me and Leroy been together 17 years.”
    Supervisor: “Look buddy. We don’t hire swampers here. You want the job or not?”
    Driver: “Well me and Leroy been together 17 years. I don’t work without Leroy. We’ve seen everything.”
    The supervisor knows that they are desperate. So he decides to skip the certification and just do a quick check…
    Supervisor: “OK fine. You answer this question right and you and Leroy can start on Monday. Let’s say your coming down a mountain and your brake line ruptures. Your gaining speed, you’ve got no brakes, you can’t double-clutch it to get it down into a lower gear. Up ahead there’s a truck jackknifed in the middle of the road and you have no brakes. QUICK, WHAT DO YOU DO!?!?”
    Driver: “Well, the first thing I’d do is reach over and wake up Leroy”
    Supervisor: “WHAT?!?! WAKE UP LEROY?” “WHAT THE HELL FOR?”
    Driver: “Well, me and Leroy been together for 17 years and he’s seen everything… but Leroy ain’t never seen no wreck like we fixin’ to have!!!

    Ralph and Donna Stenger

  • sibiryak

    Can anyone say “WHALE OIL BEEF HOOKED” without sounding like an irishman swearing?

    • Linda Nitzschke

      That reminds me of the announcer calling a horse race, and as they rounded the last turn and headed down the stretch, the announcer is calling out the leaders of the race: “…and it’s ‘Hoof Hearted” on the rail…..!” (But, that wasn’t a joke, actually…it really happened…I saw the video of the race. The guy calling the race was having a heck of a time trying not to burst out laughing.)

    • RTUT

      LMAO. as an Irish, much appreciated.

  • sibiryak

    Last night I walked into the TV room naked and asked the Missus, “What do you think?” The Missus replied, “What do I think about what?” “This is my love suit,” I responded; to which she said, “You could have ironed it.”

  • sibiryak

    The wife and I are sitting in church. About halfway through the service I whisper in my wife’s ear, “I’ve just let out a long silent fart. What do you think I should do?” My wife answered, “get a new battery for your hearing aid.”

  • FloridaCondor

    How do you get a Democrat out of your office?

    Hire them

  • FloridaCondor

    How do you know if you are bad in the sack?

    Your missus hires Gloria Allred

  • Joseph111

    (Old Bette Midler joke)
    .
    While making love with my boyfriend Ernie he says to me “Soph, you got a tight box and no tits!” I says to him “Ernie get off my back!”
    .

  • Bill Moreland

    What did the rabbi tell the crazy soda drinker?
    Try meshuga-less!

  • Timothy Hillhouse

    A co-worker told me he was divorcing his cross-eyed wife, because she was seeing someone on the side.

  • Vicky Sue

    Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until until all the birds have gone south for the winter!

  • Vicky Sue

    Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter!

  • Mitch Rapp

    How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
    About a cord. ~Woodchuckers local #7

  • Mitch Rapp

    What’s the difference between a Republican and a racist? Hollywood would never work with a Republican.
    ~Jim Gossett, The Newsmaker Lines

    • MiniBooger

      I’d replace racist with pedophile 😀

      • Mitch Rapp

        You ever hear of due process?

  • Mitch Rapp

    Tow blondes are walking through the woods when they come upon a set of tracks. The first blonde says, “Those are deer tracks!”. The second blonde shakes her head and says, “Those aren’t deer tracks you idiot. Those are moose tracks!”. They were still arguing about it when the train hit them. ~Dangerous Dave

  • MiniBooger

    Q: What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling?
    A: Mistletoad.

  • MiniBooger

    Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None, they’ll just pass a law against light bulbs and then wonder why it’s dark

  • 1PatriotForever

    A large banner posted outside the Capital Building read:

    “The Great Debates Program, ‘Are American Politics Broken?’

    A sign posted on the locked entrance doors:

    This debate has been relocated due to a Government Shutdown.”

    Author unknown – Posted by 1PatriotForever

  • Jacqueline Taylor Robson

    Did you hear about the Liberal Terrorist that tried to blow up a bus? He burned his lips on the tailpipe!

    • Fasterpill

      He could barely speak he was so exhausted!

  • Jacqueline Taylor Robson

    What did the grape say when an elephant stepped on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

  • Jacqueline Taylor Robson

    What do you send down to circumcise a whale? Four skin divers!

    • 1PatriotForever

      Hahahaha ^5

    • Fasterpill

      What a dork! 😉

  • Raymond Otis Gatter

    This one is an intelligence test:

    There’s two elephants sitting in a bathtub. One says to the other pass the soap. The other elephant says I can’t, the radio is on.

    Do you get it?

    You’re not supposed to

  • 1PatriotForever

    On his deathbed, a lifelong Republican supporter suddenly announced he was becoming a Democrat.

    His friend in total shock says “WHAT! What would make you do this?”

    The dying Republican says “Because I’d rather it was one of them that dies than one of us.”

    Author unknown – Reworked and posted by 1PatriotForever

  • 1PatriotForever

    Do you know how the word “Politics” was derived?

    Well first the use of “poly” means “many”, and then coupled with the word “tics”
    means “blood-sucking parasites.”

    Thus the descriptive word: POLITICS

    • lionel

      Got to be the winner for this contest.

      • 1PatriotForever

        Thanks Lionel %~) There are so many good ones, including yours ^5

    • I H8 Libidiots

      If con is the opposite of pro, does that mean congress is the opposite of progress?

      • 1PatriotForever

        Con is a Job and represents Progressives perfectly.

  • Tom Slick

    A man checks into a hotel, he asks the clerk ” Is the porn channel in my room disabled”? The clerk replies
    ” No it’s regular porn you sick bastard”.

    Tom Wright

    • LiberalsR#1

      What’s the best way to get coffee off a computer screen?

      • Tom Slick

        Donuts.

    • LiberalsR#1

      A guy pulls up to a hotel and asks the clerk if they have any rooms. “We have a couple left,” replies the clerk as he glances out the window and sees the guy’s car all decorated with ‘just married’ decorations. “Would you like the bridal?”

      “No, I’ll just hold her by the ears.”

  • Harvey Jones

    In the realm of “a guy walks into a bar” jokes, I heard and offer the following:

    A baby seal walks into a club.

  • Harvey Jones

    One casket says to the other: “Is that you coffin?”

  • Rev21v3n4

    Q: What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

    A: You can’t hear an enzyme.

    Courtesy of my dearly departed beloved Aunt who loved a bawdy joke. Hey! She was 94! This passed for bawdy in her day… 😉

  • Rev21v3n4

    Q: What do you call a cow who had a hysterectomy?

    A: Decalfinated.

    Another joke from my Aunt…sorry! She always thought this one was hysterical!!

  • Mark ( big daddy) carter

    Q. What’s the difference between a bucket of horse crap and a liberal?
    A. The bucket.

    • BiffWellington

      I’ve heard that one before…

  • Mark ( big daddy) carter

    Q.What’s the difference between a bucket of horse crap and a liberal?
    A. The bucket.

  • Mark ( big daddy) carter

    Q.How many democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A.Just one, but it really gets screwed.

    • Alan Dryer

      You are mistaken. First, a “temporary” 100 billion dollar tax hike has to be made, to afford the five year commission for the study of which bulb to purchase and studies on the best way to screw it. Then there will be the bulb inspection, the location inspection, the study and purchase of a $100 million dollar ladder and various safety equipment, the formation of the bulb screwers union, team to create and file boatloads of paperwork, the ladder holders association and Master Ladder Holder, the person to safely handle the bulb while passing it to the Master of Bulb Screwing or Master of BS for short and then once properly screwed, a follow up study for the general purpose of studying how to better and more efficiently screw everything in the future.

  • Mark ( big daddy) carter

    Q. What’s the difference between a democrat and a prostitute?
    A.The prostitute gives value for the money she takes.

  • Broz

    All you fat folks out there are gonna hafta wear striped shirts…so we can tell if yer walkin’ or ROLLIN”!!!

    • lionel

      Is this one for Dan?

      • Broz

        No…I’m an equal opportunity insulter…this is for EVERYONE (including myself – is was first used on me by a fellow GI (Jeffery Kurth) in Germany – that had a ‘weight challenge’ problem

        • lionel

          I was a GI in Germany also, early 64 – late 66, Equal is Legal….

  • PeaverBogart

    NORWEGIAN VIRGIN WEDDING

    Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow…right in his crotch; writhing in

    agony, he fell to the ground.

    As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said:

    “How bad is it Doc? I’m going on my honeymoon next veek and my

    fiance, Lena, is still a virgin — in every vay.

    The doctor told him, “Olaf, I’ll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week,

    but leave it on dere as long as you can. He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all

    together…quite an impressive work of art.

    Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth. That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She

    said: “Olaf…you’re the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez.”

    Olaf immediately dropped his pants and replied:

    “Look at dis Lena … Still in DA CRATE!”

  • PeaverBogart

    A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. And when he picked up a jewelry box to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying:
    “Jesus is watching you.”
    He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. After just a few seconds, clear as a bell, he heard:
    “Jesus is watching you.”
    Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
    “Did you say that?” He hissed at the parrot.
    “Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”
    The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”
    “Moses,” replied the bird.
    “Moses?” The burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”
    Suddenly, he felt a giant shadow materializing behind him.
    “The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”

  • obozo1

    What do you call a bus full of lawyers going over a cliff with three empty seats?

    Wasted space!

  • obozo1

    What’s the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us?

    When we want some dick in the White House, we just vote!

  • Ali’s Snackbar

    A baby seal walks into a club…

  • Fasterpill

    Why did the intellectual frog leap across the road? Because he was late for amphibian class.

  • Linda Nitzschke

    The problems in DC aren’t so much from politicians but that lightning isn’t being dispersed properly.

  • sibiryak

    The wife packed her bags and left me yesterday claiming that I love football more than her, which is a shame really, because we’ve been together for fourteen seasons.

  • sibiryak

    There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

  • sibiryak

    They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq …. Why don’t we just give them ours? It was drawn up by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for centuries, and we’re not using it anymore.

  • sibiryak

    The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Congress, is this: You cannot post ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’, ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ and ‘Thou Shall Not Lie’ in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians…It creates a hostile work environment.

  • OzzWorx

    Liberals lose their minds… but they will never miss them!

  • Wayne Jones

    Pessimist: This can’t get any worse!
    Optimist: Yes, it can!

  • 1PatriotForever

    What’s the difference between a refugee and E.T?

    E.T. understood and spoke English and he wanted to go home!

  • 1PatriotForever

    Q. What’s the difference between a “flying pig” and a “politician?”

    A. The letter F.

    1PatriotForever
    Author unknown

  • 1PatriotForever

    Q. If a group of geese is called a Gaggle, a group of sea gulls is called a Flock, a bunch of cows and bulls are called a Herd, what do you call a group of frogs?
    A. Congressional Swamp Creatures

    1PatriotForever
    Author

  • karen

    My doctor told me to watch my drinking…I now drink in front of a mirror!!

  • PeaverBogart

    Jose and Carlos are panhandlers that panhandle in different areas of town.
    Panhandler Strategy..

    Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects $2-3 every day.

    Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills every day, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

    One day, Carlos asked Jose: “I work just as long and hard as you do, but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?”

    “Look at your sign, what does it say?” replies Jose.

    Carlos’ sign reads: “I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.”

    Jose says: “no wonder you only get $2-3.”

    ‘Carlos says: “So what does your sign say then?”

    Jose shows Carlos his sign – it reads: “I only need another $10 to move back to Mexico”

    • Kelly Moncus

      What did the Mexican fireman name his twin boys?
      Hose A and Hose B!

  • PeaverBogart

    Being nervous, and embarrassed about my up-coming colonoscopy, on a recommendation,
    I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle.

    As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure…

    “Don’t worry, at this stage of the procedure it’s quite normal to get an erection,”

    the nurse told me..

    “I don’t have an erection,” I replied.

    “I do.” replied the nurse.

    Don’t get a colonoscopy in San Francisco.

  • PeaverBogart

    Male logic… flawless

    This a conversation between a man and his wife. Please note that she asks five or six questions which he answered quite simply,

    but then she is speechless after answering only one question. l bet this happens more often than not to most husbands out there:

    Woman: Do you drink beer?

    Man: Yes

    Woman: How many beers a day?

    Man: Usually about three

    Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

    Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)

    Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

    Man: About 20 years, I suppose

    Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately

    $5400 correct?

    Man: Correct

    Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?

    Man: Correct

    Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account

    and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?

    Man: Do you drink beer?

    Woman: No.

    Man: Where is your airplane?

  • Linda Nitzschke

    An accident victim goes into surgery, not knowing if his legs can be saved. After the surgery is over and he comes out of the anesthesia, his surgeon is standing at his beside to let the man know how the surgery went, and he tells the patient he has good news and bad news and asks which he would like to hear first. The patient says, “Let’s get the bad news over with first,” to which the surgeon tells him that, unfortunately, they had to amputate both of his legs. The patient is obviously distressed, and cries out to the surgeon, “Oh, my God…what in the world is the good news, then?!?”

    “The guy in the next room wants to buy your slippers.”

  • Mitch Rapp

    Two blondes go out into the forest to cut down a live Christmas tree. They walked deep into the woods during a blizzard and fought off a pack of wolves. Finally one blonde stops and says, “I am going to cut down the next tree we see, even if it doesn’t have ornaments!”~Jim Gossett, the Newsmaker Lines

  • Mitch Rapp

    If General Mattis runs for president, He should use the slogan, “Mad Dog 2020!”~ A patriot

    • lionel

      Hurray for Mad Dog. funny………

  • Mitch Rapp

    Iranians were chanting death to America when General Mad Dog Mattis sat up and said,
    “Hold my beer.”~ A patriot

  • LiberalsR#1

    I was sitting at a red light where the freeway ended waiting for the light to turn green when I noticed a Kia next to me with what appeared to be about 10 illegal immigrants in it. Just then a dump truck loaded with gravel came off the freeway and smashed into the car, pushing it 200 yards down the road, killing everyone inside. I thought to myself “woaaahhh, that could’ve been me”. So I went out and got myself a dump truck license.

    • Alex Hernandez

      ouch LOLZ

  • Esteban H

    What do you call a dog with short legs and steel testicles?

    “Sparky”!

  • Esteban H

    What do you call a dog with short legs and steel testicles?

    “Sparky”!

  • PeaverBogart

    Holiday Request…

    Can I ask everyone for a huge favor?

    Those of you who are planning to put Christmas lights in your yards,

    can you please avoid anything red or blue and flashing?

    Every time I drive past, I think it’s the cops, and have a mild panic attack!

    I have to remove my foot from the accelerator, slam on the brakes,

    put on my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, hide my bottle of wine,

    swallow my joint, and shove the gun under the seat.

    It’s a major drama!!!

    I really appreciate your cooperation and understanding.

    Oh And Merry Christmas!!!

  • PeaverBogart

    What did our parents do when they were bored and there was no internet?

    I asked my 18 brothers and sisters, and they didn’t know either.

  • grateful_deplorable

    A blind man walked into a bar with his dog and the bartender said, ” Hey you can’t bring that dog in here.” The blind man said this is my seeing eye dog, I need it. The bartender said okay but you have to sit over there against the wall and don’t cause any trouble. Well the guy goes and sits down and has a drink. About 20 minutes later the bartender looks over at the blind guy and he has the dog by the tail and he is swinging him around and around over his head. The bartender yells, “Just what in the heck do you think you are doing?” The blind guy says,”I was just looking around.”

  • Dwayne Fields

    Being height challenged, I am offended you are holding a “short joke contest”! They aren’t funny. And just so you know, when a tall person bumps their head we giggle our damn asses off!!!

    • lionel

      To be fair I laugh my ass off even when a Short Suy has nothing happen to him.

  • Mark ( big daddy) carter

    How do you confuse a liberal?
    You don’t. They’re born that way.

  • Mark ( big daddy) carter

    Q.What do democrats and porn stars have in common?
    A. They are all experts in switching positions in front of the camera.

  • Mark ( big daddy) carter

    Q. What’s the difference between a democrat and a catfish?
    A.one is an ugly, scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.

  • Gary Moore

    Two blonds walk into a bar.
    the first one turns to the second and says…”ouch that hurt”

  • Linda Nitzschke

    I once knew a lib so dumb, he thought “innuendo” was the Italian word for Preparation H.

    • LiberalsR#1

      I bet he thought Johnny Cas was a pay toilet. And Absorbine Jr. was birth control.

  • groman

    Did you hear about the gay midget?
    He came out of the cupboard.

  • karen

    Don’t drink and drive…if you hit a bump you might spill it!

    • Bloomquist

      That’s alcohol abuse.

  • Elmerdinkweed

    OK Joe Dan I’ll play by the rules and write the clean version–everyone can change them back.

    A bear and a rabbit were next to each other taking a “crap” in the woods.
    The bear asks the rabbit if he has a problem with “crap” sticking to his fur?
    The rabbit replies, no not at all.
    So the bear reaches over picks him up and wipes his “butt” with him.

  • OldPhart_OutIn_TheDesert

    Hear about the Muslim Strip Bar?
    It’s three women in full facial nudity and a goat for lap dances.

  • 1PatriotForever

    Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same exact reason.
    1PatriotForever

  • 1PatriotForever

    To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

    1PatriotForever

  • 1PatriotForever

    I decided to read up on standards and procedures regarding the Office of Personnel Management in Washington DC. No wonder Congress is in the shape it’s in, there was a headline posted:

    “Ethics: Coming Soon!”

  • Hawk16

    idiosyncratic characteristic peculiarity
    idiotsyncratic government beaucracy

  • Mark ( big daddy) carter

    Q. What do you get when you cross a pig with a democrat?
    A. Nothing. There are some thing’s even a pig won’t do.

  • Mark ( big daddy) carter

    Q. What’s is the difference between a liberal ass-kisser and a brown-noser?
    A. Depth perception.

  • Andre Bercegeay

    Why can’t a liberal explain his beliefs to a conservative that has two black eyes? Because he has already explained them twice. -central scrutinizer

  • Andre Bercegeay

    Why will north Korea never nuke Colorado? Because they can’t find Carawaroo on a map. (joke inspired by the Asian waitress at IHOP asking “who has Carawaroo omlet”? Thought I was gonna die trying not to lol.

  • John Hogan

    Being in the spirit of Christmas…an Oldie.

    What The Floor Say To The Christmas Tree?
    Your Balls Are Hanging!

  • David M

    Trigger warning!, If you are a Whiny liberal snowflake too dumb to close a browser window, or catch on that sometimes you won’t get your way in life then please leave the room until this video ends because well, the jokes aren’t about you or at your expense but they are liable to show just how much of a joke you are

  • Six Cents

    “Barack Hussein Obama’s presidency.”

    –Six Cents

  • Six Cents

    I’d cut off my right arm to be ambidextrous.

    –Six Cents

  • Six Cents

    A buddy of mine recently visited Obama’s place of birth. He said Kenya wasn’t as bad as everyone makes it out to be. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/db942cf957a032c499b02aa9e40ab67372ab5884a8646ea8be436a52f3644795.jpg
    –Six Cents

  • Edward Baumgartner

    A guy went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I’m a teepee, then I’m a wigwam, then I’m a teepee, and then I’m a wigwam. It’s driving me crazy. What’s wrong with me?”
    The doctor replied, “It’s very simple. You have two tents.”

    • Six Cents

      Edward, you may want to revise your punch line. I believe the Doctor replied “You ARE to tense.”

      Just sayin’.

      • Edward Baumgartner

        I did it like that on purpose 🙂

  • Edward Baumgartner

    My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books. He’s only got his shelf to blame.

  • Edward Baumgartner

    Whats the difference between Hillary’s election loss and a cow? You cant milk a cow for a year straight.

    Edward Baumgartner

  • Six Cents

    Q: Why did cavemen drag their women by their hair?

    A: Because if they dragged them by their feet, they would fill up with dirt.

    Six Cents

  • RubyTwoThree

    Not a joke. Democrats are the people my parents warned me about.

  • Edward Baumgartner

    I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me “Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace” So I bought her nothing.

  • Sid Kitchen

    Knock-knock. Who’s there? Boo. Boo who? Don’t cry, it’s just a knock-knock joke!

  • Sid Kitchen

    What did the Jack-O- Lantern say to the Headless Horseman? (Singing) I ain’t got no body!!

  • BobbyW

    Why’s a roach clip called a roach clip?

    Because potholder was already taken…..

  • BobbyW

    What’s the difference between a stoner and a drunk?

    A drunk will go through a Stop sign,

    but a stoner will wait for it to turn green.

  • BobbyW

    What’s a crying shame?

    A bus full of lawyers going off a cliff,

    with two empty seats.

  • C R Lord

    Donald Trump and Hillary saw a homeless person on the street. Donald gave the homeless person his business card, told him to come to his office for a job and handed him $20. Hillary saw that. They came to another homeless person. Hillary gave him the address of the welfare office, reached in Donald’s pocket and took out $20 and gave the homeless man five after keeping $15 for administrative fees. The difference between a liberal democrat and a American loving President.

  • Boudreaux asked Thibodaux’s wife, “Whatcha gonna do when Boudreaux be dead? Any taugts on his obituary? ” Mrs. Thibodaux thought a while and said, “I tink I’ll write, ‘Boudreaux died, boat for sale.'”

  • David Camp
  • lukn4change

    Know what an Alabama LGBTQ (Q=queer) is? Someone who loves women more than Football!!!!!

  • 4godandcountry

    hurricane says to walnut tree…Better hang onto your nuts, baby, cause this ain’t going to be no ordinary blow job.

  • James D

    How do tell a liberal from a Creeper?
    One is green, a blockhead, likes dark places and hisses…
    The other is a fictional video game character.

  • JMC

    I’m a widower. My wife died when she fell down a wishing well and drowned. (That’s Hennie Youngman’s)

  • A man had an annoying problem: whenever he farted, the sound came out as “HONDA”.
    No American doctor could help him. In desperation, he went to a Chinese Traditional Doctor.
    “Look,” the man said, “every time I fart, it sounds like “HONDA”.
    Immediately, the wise Chinese doctor pries open the man’s mouth, reaches in with a pair of pliers, and yanks out one of the man’s teeth. A nasty goober of pus came out with the tooth.
    “You fart problem is solved,” said the doctor.
    The man, skeptical, conducted a quick test. For the first time in months he was able to fart silently.
    “Wow, I didn’t even tell you that my tooth hurt. How did you know?”
    The Chinese doctor replied, “Everybody know this. Abscess makes the fart go HONDA.”

  • Jacqueline Taylor Robson

    Did you hear about Oprah getting busted at O’Hare Airport? They looked under her skirt and found 50 pounds of crack!

  • Q: What do you have when a dyslexic agnostic gets insomnia?

    A: Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog…

  • Q: What do you have when a dyslexic agnostic gets insomnia?
    A: Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

  • I H8 Libidiots

    I am on my third wife. My first two died. The first one died of mushroom poisoning! The second one died of blunt force trauma. Well……..she wouldn’t eat her mushrooms!

  • I H8 Libidiots

    A couple of years ago I saw a sign posted on a forced air hand dryer in a men’s restroom that said “push button for a short speech by our President”. (Thank the Lord that term is over.)

  • I H8 Libidiots

    What’s the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a hooker with diarrhea? One of them shucks between fits.

  • cybertechnico

    What did the chicken say when she laid a square egg?

    OUCH!!

  • cybertechnico

    Why did the chicken just halfway cross the road?

    She Wanted To Lay It On The Line!

  • cybertechnico

    What is the best use for old cowhide?

    Holding old cows together

  • Alan Dryer

    How many Muslims does it take to screw in a light bulb?……… NONE!!! LALALALALALA BOOOOM!!!

  • Alan Dryer

    What’s the difference between a bunch of Liberal women, running for political office and a tribe of Pygmies?
    A tribe of Pygmies are a cunning bunch of runts.

    • Fasterpill

      Bwahahaha did the math!

  • edterri7788

    Knock. Knock.
    Who’s there?
    Control Freak… now you say Control Freak who?

  • edterri7788

    Wife: “Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.”
    Husband: “O.K. Leave a light on if you get home before me.”

  • edterri7788

    Me to my Democrat neighbor: “Will you tell me if my turn signal is working?”
    Neighbor: “No. Yes. No. Yes. No. . .”

  • jim james

    the Polish Army just purchased 100 used septic tanks and they are going to invade Russia as soon as they learn how to drive them

  • jim james

    the frustrated father says to his spastic son “I’m gonna install a steering wheel on my belt buckle, because yer drivin me nuts!”

  • Brian Lane

    A wife is lying in bed, reading. Husband walks in carrying a duck.
    Husband: “This is the pig I’ve been sleeping with.”
    Wife: “That’s not a pig, it’s a duck!”
    Husband: “I was talking to the duck.”

  • Jacqueline Taylor Robson

    My Hubby came home from work and said ” I’ve been graped”! “Graped?” I asked. He said “Yes! It was a whole bunch of them”!

  • BPatMann

    Q: How many homosexuals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Homosexuals don’t screw in light bulbs – they screw in public restrooms.

  • BPatMann

    Q: What does a bartender say when he sees a Muslim, a homosexual and a communist walking up to the bar?
    A: “What will you be drinking tonight, Mr. Obama?”

  • Will

    Why do democrats cry after sex?

    Mace!

  • Will
  • Will

    9/11, what’s you emergency?
    Come quick, there is a whore down here at tha Hotel blededing ta death.
    Bleeding to death? Why?
    She’s dying from the Clap!
    What, wait You don’t Die from the Clap!
    When you give it to me you do….

    • Will

      True story. I heard that joke while in High School back in the 1970s. My friend’s little brother told it in the 5th grade to one of his pals and was overheard and turned in to the Teacher and so he was sent to the Proncipals office. The Principal says, “Tell it to me” so he does. That principal Laughed and Laughed andthen suspended my friends little brother for 3 days. Very true story… I still laugh when I think of that story.

  • Will

    hanks for seeing me Doc.
    What seems to be the problem now? You have een her like 5 times .
    well same thing , Doc. my testicles are brown
    Did you take the antibiotics I prescribed?
    Yes every different one and still…
    Well here is a prescription for some omore and come baclk in a week
    WHAT! You daged QUACK. This is my 6th vosit and this will be my 6th prescription and well, I ain’t gonna pay you this time either, and he storms out and drives home where he finds his wife lying on the couch eating bo bons and watching soaps. He’s angry and starts in on her “Hey Dangit, where’s my supper and this place looks like a Pig Sty!
    She sorta leans up on one elbow and says in a sleepy yet surley voide, Scuse me! I’m always workin atound her and as a matter of fact I’m so busy I don’t have time to wipe my oun ass!

    He yells, And THat’s Another Danged Thing!

  • Phil Henderson

    This guy is having a really bad time drowning in the ocean,when a boat comes by an a guy ses are you okay and the guy in the water ses it’s ok i have faith in the God, move on.
    The boat goes away and then a helicopter comes along and comes down to him and ask’s are you okay do you need any help and the guy ses it’s ok ,I have faith in God and waving his arms ses move along.
    The man drowns and goes to heaven looks at God and ses, I prayed and prayed what happened and God said I sent a boat and helicopter.
    ( Dom DeLuise 1933-2009)

  • David Rocha

    Q. WHAT DO MEXICANS FEEL ABOUT THE WALL ?

    A. THEY’LL GET OVER IT .

    – D ROCHA

  • Scotty Martin

    A farmer and his wife are laying in bed one night and he reaches over and grabs her tit and says “you know..if these could give milk, we could get rid of all those cows”. She tells him to shut up and go to sleep. He then reaches over and grabs her ass and says “and if this could lay eggs, we could get rid of all those chickens”. He chuckles again to himself. She then reaches over and grabs him between the legs and says “you know honey, if this could get hard, we could get rid of your brother.

  • CanYouHearUsNow?

    QUESTION: What do you call a airline that is losing business and money?
    ANSWER: A receding airline!

  • C R Lord

    Three politicians were walking down the road when they came to a farm.
    The politicians began to argue over who was the toughest and had the most stamina.
    One of the politicians, a Democrat liberal, said; let’s give it a test. Let’s all go and sit down with the pigs. The last one to leave is the toughest.

    After six hours passed one of the politicians couldn’t stand the smell anymore and left. That would be RINO Paul Ryan.

    A day passed and about mid afternoon of the second day the second politician, RINO John McCain left leaving the Democrat liberal all by herself. That would be Hillary.

    RIGHT AFTER THAT THE PIGS LEFT!!!